


Hyunjin's brain pt 1

by annie30928



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 23:04:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18647926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annie30928/pseuds/annie30928
Summary: Hyunjin doesn't want to die. Not really. I mean sure he has said ‘i want to die’ more times than he can count but he doesn't want to die. Dying scared him, the thought of nothing, no body, no mind. He doesn't like to think about it, knowing that he doesn't know and so fearing that.





	Hyunjin's brain pt 1

Hyunjin doesn't want to die. Not really. I mean sure he has said ‘i want to die’ more times than he can count but he doesn't want to die. Dying scared him, the thought of nothing, no body, no mind. He doesn't like to think about it, knowing that he doesn't know and so fearing that.  
That what Hyunjin was feeling right now, fear .. More like a slight weird stomach, making him feel anxious, slight nervous. Combined with the sadness and not knowing what to do with his life, feeling lonely, just feeling it all, nicely wrapped up with a bow of tiredness, it is obviously guaranteed that Hyunjin is going to have a _steller_ evening.

He just didn't know what to do, stuck doing the same thing. He loved school so much when he was with his friends, changbin, jisung, but after when he’s on his own and the only person he can talk to is his nan who means well but just doesn't _understand._

No hobbies, nothing that truly inspires and interests him. Some people can just dance their bad mood away or express their bad feelings on canvas until it just melts away. He wishes that could be him. No he has to fight to start his hobby, fight to start anything, fight to do something other than lie on the ground and look at crap on his phone, doing anything to pass the time until it's time for bed. Wakes up the next day and start the same cycle again? And what. He is going to do that for the rest of his life?  
Ding Ding Ding Ding .. Fear number 1 has just been addressed

Hyunjin loves being around people. He loves school, his volunteer work. That's what makes weekends hard, the non people. Why don't you join a club, I hear you people cry. Simple, fear.  
Ding Ding Ding Ding … Fear number 2 is here: That fear will stop him from doing .. something.  
Sometimes he dreams of an alternative life, a life where he has close friends, really close friends. He would want a big group: 9’s a good number. And they would all be good at the stuff he wants to be good at: dancing, singing, rapping. Only Hyunjin doesn't know if he wants to be good at that, or if it's just the friendship he wants. He just wants to be understood.

 

And it makes him so so nervous and h edoesnt understand and he jsut wants help, he just watn help, helppleasaehelppleasehelpineedsomeonetounderstadnpleasepleasepelaeplaplease

.  
.  
.  
.  
Only     he knows he won't get  help

It   doesn't  work like that

To get help, you need to ask for help

Scared people are not obvious  
  
  
  
  
  
  
And so he carries on living, carry on doing, carries on feeling terrible every day, everyday until he isn't, and then carry on, terrible every day every day. The day not terrible but his mood.

Hope is a weird thing when you don't know what you’re hoping. That ‘motivational’ post saying that it gets better and that you’ll get a partner and a kid and make pancakes.  
He doesn't want a kid. And he certainly doesn't want a partner, too sickly sweet, lying, lying to get what you want. Lying, lying, sickly sweet, suffocating.  
That ‘motivational’ video: ‘just do it’, ‘just start’, ‘you can do it’, ‘don't live in fear’ that undertone message: ‘you’lll regrettt itt’

Hyunjin knows that. Knows to just start, knows to not live in fear. Knows every tips and tricks in the book. But what good is the theory if you’re too afraid. Too lazy ? Hyunjin doesn't know. to even start.

Where do you go to when motivational videos/posts/speeches are not motivational videos/posts/speeches.

Hyunjin was lost. 

Now comes that self doubt that self-pitying while trying to stop the self-pitying. Common phrases: It’s not that bad. People have it worse. You’re over exaggerating. Just snap out of it. Just figure out the solution. Here is the solution. HERE IS THE SOLUTION.

Battling it out: the sickly sweet person: Don't be too harsh. You shouldn't compare your worries. Your worries are understandable. Right, RIGHT

Which one will win? Or is it even a battle because they cross over, words overlapping one another, never ending, an endless spiral, getting deeper and deeper into confusion and confusion and _sickness._

Now comes the obligatory self-image, lies, truths, inbetweeners. Unhealthy weight, health weight, heart beating fast, _unfit?_  
Healthy … no.  
Unhealthy... _yes?_

Panic in stomach but mind left unbothered. Hyunjin needs distraction at all times. Is that possible. Just keep on doing crap, nothing substantial. What. You think that he could do something that takes effort? You think he can do something that is actually ‘worth’ something? (worth - definition - unknown)  
No no no no no  
Why should his bad mood actually **give** him something.. Ridiculous. 

Ah well, who cares about the panic in his stomach (i do!), who cares about his mind (i do!), who cares about his want to be understood, his want to have help.

He doesn’t.


End file.
